Tackle the Feelings Before the Behaviour - TFBB

14/10/2026

Trauma responses - what are they and why is it helpful to understand our own?

You’ve very likely heard of fight or flight in terms of our reaction to being put under threat or extreme stress. Have you heard of freeze and fawn though? For a long time we seem to have associated fight or flight with personality. Brave or cowardly. What if I told you it is far more complex than that. We actually learn how to respond to stress and threats in very early childhood.

Most of us, if not all, have varying degrees of trauma. Emotional trauma is, to put it simply, when there has been an experience that has caused difficult emotions that the body initially rejects or does not have the inner tools to deal and cope with. Emotional wounds are those raw emotions that have not been integrated, processed and released. The difficult emotional experience sits outside our worldview (our consciousness where we place our past, present and future) like a burn that is sore and yet to form a scab, let alone a scar.

Until we are able to go back and integrate some of these wounds - we will develop coping and defence mechanisms to help us protect our vulnerability. Unprocessed emotions can feel as intense as they did the day they happened - even if decades have gone by. A trauma response is designed to protect us and it is protecting your vulnerability and wounding. It also protects you from physical danger. At times these responses can’t tell the difference between real and perceived danger. Is it your old wounding flaring and causing the response or are you actually getting attacked or around toxicity. Your inner protection clicks on regardless and goes into full protection mode.

Our in built mechanisms for survival and protection truly are remarkable. If my post hasn’t triggered or bored you and you have reached this point - I predict you are a little fascinated too. Particularly in terms of understanding yourself and understanding yourself in relationships.

We develop patterns over the years and sometimes they can start getting in the way of things such as intimacy, connection, confidence, trust etc. This is often when we seek to understand the pattern and inherently seek to change it. And we CAN change how we respond to trauma and we do this through healing. Healing our emotional wounds. Re learning healthier ways to put up boundaries, discern, assert and self protect. Being in fight mode doesn’t have to mean violence for instance. We can learn how to harness these responses.

If you need a bit of counselling support my door is open, please reach out to enquire or book in a session. I offer in person based at House@9 in Howick, KZN, South Africa and I do phone or video sessions via WhatsApp.
❤️Paula Taylor
0791233790/[email protected]

*Please note I completed my masters degree in Melbourne, Australia and am still in the process of registration here in SA. I am not linked to medical aid yet unfortunately.

18/09/2026

🍀 Vicarious trauma — when someone else’s trauma lives up alongside your nervous system.

I often say that us humans are pack animals. We are so intrinsically connected on levels we haven’t even begun to understand. We are impacted by one another, whether we like it or not.

Vicarious trauma can take many shapes in the world of psychology, but I wanted to explain this particular type of trauma today, in the wake of the ninth woman’s body being found around Kempton Park in Johannesburg.

I have found myself waking up wanting to check the news about this situation and feeling an intense empathy for these victims. I’ve noticed that I’m experiencing some symptoms of vicarious trauma, and it got me thinking about us all as a collective — and in particular, us women.

We are experiencing femicide in this country at such alarming rates that it can feel impossible not to be impacted by it.

Many women are activated into advocacy in the midst of these deaths, and fighting GBV is once again at the forefront. But this also means that we are being bombarded with it — through social media, the news, conversations, and even through our own nervous systems and fears.

🍀 Here are some symptoms of vicarious trauma that women may be experiencing in response to this:

• Hypervigilance — constantly scanning your surroundings, people, cars and unfamiliar situations for danger.

• Intrusive thoughts — repeatedly thinking about the women who have died or imagining what could happen to you.

• Heightened startle response — jumping at sounds, footsteps, cars slowing nearby, etc.

• Changes in behaviour — avoiding running or walking alone, changing routes, cancelling plans or feeling unable to go out.

• Sleep disturbance — difficulty falling asleep, waking during the night or checking locks and security.

• Anxiety in otherwise ordinary situations — feeling unsafe in a car park, walking to your car, being alone at home, etc.

• Body-based anxiety — racing heart, tight chest, nausea, sweating, muscle tension or feeling “on edge.”

• Loss of felt safety — intellectually knowing you’re safe where you are, while your nervous system doesn’t quite believe it.

• Identification with the victims — “She was around my age. She was just going for a run. That could have been me.”

• Compulsive information-seeking — repeatedly checking the news or social media for updates because knowing more temporarily feels safer.

• Emotional exhaustion — fear, anger, sadness and helplessness becoming draining.

• Difficulty switching off — particularly when the story keeps appearing in your feeds.

(Above list created with the assistance of ChatGPT and customised to the current situation.)

🍀 The antidote is to take a break from it all, if you can.

Attend to your nervous system with gentleness, mindfulness and compassion.
Create safety and space for yourself to ground back into yourself, your own energy and your own emotions.

Separate yourself from it for a while, in other words — and attend to what has come up for you.
You can care deeply.
You can advocate.
You can be angry.
You can grieve for women you never knew.
And you are also allowed to step away from the information for a while.

If you need some counselling and support, please feel free to reach out. Counselling can offer you a safe space to process what has come up, with compassionate support and guidance.

I offer in-person sessions based at House@9 in Howick, KZN, as well as phone or video sessions via WhatsApp.

📞 0791233790
📧 [email protected]

💛 Paula Taylor

Please note: I completed my Masters degree in Australia and am still in the process of completing the steps for registration in South Africa. I am not linked to medical aid yet, unfortunately.

01/09/2026

Grief is not something any of us can avoid indefinitely.
Most of us know the pain of losing a loved one or someone special to us. All of us know big change and the loss attached to that. Relocations, heartbreak, growth, time, death - life is full of change and loss. To hear that we are built to heal grief is not very helpful when you are in the thick of it - but it does help when grief feels like it is swallowing you alive and you can’t see the way out.

The levels of pain that can accompany grief are what most of us think of when we think of bereavement. When you experience it you will quickly learn that it is so much more layered and complex than pain. You have to simultaneously contend with so many other emotions that take so much energy and the overwhelm can take you down. Many people block the feelings and that’s ok too. We can’t escape them but we can delay them (at a cost). The cost usually comes in the forms of anxiety and burn out symptoms. At times people can feel depressed too. Grief is heavy.

Counselling can be very helpful for grief. It provides a safe and supportive space to release and process the big and often scary emotions and it allows you to crumble while someone holds and contains the space (and you too at times). If you feel ready to talk and for support - reach out. Sometimes our loved ones don’t know how to help us and it can feel very alone.

I offer counselling both in person (based at House@9 in Howick, KZN, South Africa) or phone/video counselling.
💛Paula Taylor 0791233790/[email protected]



*Please note: I obtained my masters degree in Melbourne, Australia and am still completing the steps for registration here in SA. I am not attached to medical aid yet.

12/08/2026

Mental Health is not an abstract concept. It’s not something you either have or you don’t.

Similarly to physical health - mental health is complex and works on a continuum where it can swing between different states of being and experiences (and emotions). In layman’s terms- we can get ill like we do with the physical body. At times it can be chronic or disordered. At times there may be an illness that needs treatment. Most of the time we swing between moods and feelings and some are manageable and some feel terrifying, lonely, overwhelming, painful, humiliating or even exposing.

We need to learn two things when it comes to mental health. The first is to understand the lifestyle element attached to it. What we do, consume, think, experience, surround ourselves with and even our every day functioning practices will impact our mental health and how we see, understand and experience the world. This is an area we can have more control.
The second thing to know is the process of healing. That will be a separate post. We need to get our heads around things like our own wounding, triggers, needs, emotions and how to attend to ourselves when we struggle. So often we get a bit taken down by our emotions and trauma and it can feel like being consumed by it all.

The more we include maintenance and lifestyle changes that support mental health, the more equipped we will be to heal and expand, make changes, find more positive one peace and purpose, have healthier relationships and shift our perspectives. We also give ourselves energy and honour our own needs and goals. It doesn’t need to be complicated or expensive - the more you can bring it in and find some consistency, the more empowered you will start to become. Start in one area and build your mental health practice up.

If you find yourself needing a bit of help, please feel free to reach out for some counselling.
❤️Paula Taylor
+27791233790
[email protected]

*Please be aware that I completed my masters degree in Australia and am still in the process of registration here in SA. I am not linked to medical aid yet.

08/07/2026

Love this 💛

Calm down scripts for teachers and parents !!

23/06/2026

✨ UPDATED PRACTITIONER AND THERAPIST LIST ✨

23/06/2026

Stress does not look the same in everyone.

For some people, it looks like panic, anger, tears, racing thoughts or feeling completely out of control.

For others, it looks like silence, numbness, shutting down, withdrawing, avoiding people or saying “I am fine” when they are not.

This can happen to children, teenagers and adults.

When someone is overwhelmed, their body may move into survival mode. They may not be trying to be difficult, rude, dramatic or uncaring. They may be struggling to cope with more than their nervous system can manage in that moment.

That is why understanding emotional regulation matters.

Sometimes people need space.
Sometimes they need connection.
Sometimes they need movement, rest, reassurance, routine, breathing, comfort or simply someone calm beside them.

We all have limits.
We all need safety.
We all need people who try to understand what is happening underneath the behaviour.

Free WINDOW OF TOLERANCE PRINTABLE REGULATION POSTER PDF (with a simple worksheet)

LIKE the photo and comment "WINDOW" and we will send you a message with a link to a free PDF of this resource.

08/06/2026

Hi everyone 🌻 My name is Paula Taylor and I offer counselling and mental health support services in Howick or online/over the phone.

My approach is a little different to conventional counselling. I studied 4 years in SA at Rhodes University, travelled a bit and then completed masters in humanistic psychotherapy at La Trobe University in Melbourne Australia. I then worked in Australia in family support organisations for 4 years which included training in a number of areas.

I am based at House@9 in Drew Avenue in Howick. My sessions are an hour long and I can see family’s, individuals, teens and couples. I practice holistically and work from my own framework called TFBB (tackle the feelings before the behaviour). It is emotion focussed and gives you a way of viewing the emotional system that can be empowering and easy to understand. Please reach out if you’d like to know more or book in a session.
🦉My number is 0791233790 and you can email me at [email protected]

I look forward to hearing from you.
❤️Paula Taylor

*Please note that I am not registered in SA yet but am in the process of completing the steps and obtaining my registration. This means I am not linked to medical aid yet unfortunately.
*International clients pay via PayPal

24/05/2026

Many of you may have heard the popular concept of ‘Self Care Sundays’.
What exactly is self care though and why do we need to be self caring on a Sunday?

Energy can be viewed in different ways. Our physical, mental and emotional energy is all connected but can all be depleted. What we pour energy into during each day can be productive and expansive but we often give away far too much energy and find ourselves tired, drained and even burnt out.

We need to manage our energy and look after ourselves so that we can recharge, rest and release. This is at the heart of what self care is and it happens when we are feeling safe, in control and able to get a bit of space. Self care is about more than putting on a face mask or taking a nap. So much of it is about getting into your own energy and being able to spend a bit of time going within yourself, letting things out in adaptive ways and nourishing the mind, body and spirit (call spirit ‘emotions’ if that phrase doesn’t feel right).

We can’t look after ourselves if we are always looking after others or putting other responsibilities ahead of our own needs and mental health. Getting space is not something many people are able to get easily or feel good about taking. At times you may try to get space but don’t like it or can’t rest in it. You may feel like things will get worse or too far behind if you stop for a bit but that is the anxiety talking. The harder you find it to be in your own energy and stillness, the more you need it. At times we may have to push through the resistance and train ourselves to relax a bit or to weather through the discomfort of mindfulness and being present with ourselves a bit more.

Self care Sundays are a good starting point. Finding some little and big ways to recharge and slow down could make a huge difference to your week and outlook. Below are a few examples of things to try but there are many more and it’s important to choose nurturing activities that work for you. If you are struggling to calm the anxiety or release some of these emotions or pressure, you can always ask for a bit of help and support. Counselling is a powerful tool to support you and teach you some tools to work with your anxiety and stress (or that unprocessed trauma).

If you need a bit of extra support, please feel free to reach out, ask questions or book yourself in.
💛 Paula Taylor
+27791233790/[email protected]

*Disclaimer: I obtained masters in Melbourne, Australia and am still in the process of registration here in SA. I am unfortunately not linked to medical aid.