11/01/2023
Five pieces of advise that I've received in my life, and am very grateful I did NOT take:
1. "Reconcile with your paternal family because family is the most important thing you have".
The family we are born into is less important than the family we create. The former is nothing more than an accident of history, while the latter is the product of our choices. You should never keep toxic and harmful people in your life in the name of family, or you'll be damaged irreparably. Learn to cut damaging people off - even if they're family. Forced relations are damaging.
2. "Having children at a younger age is better because you grow with them".
Having children at an age where you're mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially ready is better because motherhood is hard enough without having to worry where the next meal is going to come from. Having children when one isn't in a position to harms both the children and the parent.
3. "Buy a house before you buy a car".
For a woman, a car is not simply a convenient mode of transport, it's also a mode of safety. In a country where women get r***d in taxis and Uber/Bolt vehicles, where taxis don't hesitate to go on strike during school exams, where being out at night is a mortal risk, having your own car can be the difference between life and death. Furthermore, owning a house is not always a great idea - sometimes it's more financially sound to rent. I'll elaborate on this someday.
4. "Go and visit a sangoma, someone might be using muti on you".
Someone said this to me when I hit rock bottom some years ago. Members of my own family hold such beliefs too. I've constantly rejected this. The decision to not plan my life around the idea that someone could bewitch me has given me something greater to believe in: myself. Banking on myself, working on myself, has made me achieve things that I might never have if I had given power to someone else over my life.
5. "Put others first".
I unlearned this very late in my life, by which time I had gotten myself in debt and in bad situations for other people. It will never happen again because I now know to never pour from an empty cup. No-one should be more important to you than yourself. Self-preservation is not selfishness, it's the heighest form of love for oneself. There's no honour in setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
What advise did you receive that you're glad you did NOT take?
