05/31/2026
This customer should be banned from delivery apps.
Not because the instructions are long.
Because the instructions have somehow evolved into a hostage letter.
Imagine accepting a delivery for:
Mozzarella sticks.
A Shirley Temple.
And then receiving what appears to be a 700-word manifesto against driveways.
At some point you're not ordering food anymore.
You're assigning homework.
"READ THE WORDS I TYPED!"
My brother in Christ, they're delivering $13.98 worth of appetizers, not defusing a bomb.
And look, I get it.
Maybe drivers kept messing up.
Maybe the GPS pin is weird.
Maybe the driveway situation has caused years of emotional damage.
But if your delivery instructions contain enough capital letters to qualify as a constitutional amendment, the problem might not be the drivers anymore.
The average DoorDash driver is trying to complete 3 deliveries before your mozzarella sticks become cheese-flavored rubber.
They are not conducting a forensic investigation of your property.
And honestly, the funniest part is that these notes usually have the opposite effect.
A normal instruction:
"Please leave at pin. Don't use driveway. Thank you!"
Gets read.
A twelve-paragraph rage novel about the driveway?
Half the drivers are mentally checking out by paragraph three.
At that point, just meet them outside.
Because if your house requires:
multiple warnings,
all-caps alerts,
threat levels,
and a detailed anti-driveway policy...
you're no longer ordering delivery.
You're managing an air traffic control tower.
And yes, if I accepted this order and saw this note before pickup, I'd seriously consider letting someone else become the driveway specialist for the evening.