05/31/2026
My first journey with mushrooms cracked the door open. đ
I released some emotions and had some physical releases I hadnât expected. But that was it. I thought okayâŠI get it now. Iâm ready.
The second time was a megadose and I went into all of the grief Iâd been holding for decades.
My son. My bonus daughter. My dad.
DEEP GRIEF!! Physically held in my body. Iâd done all the things. Even reached acceptance. But in my body, in my nervous systemâŠit was held.
Like a lead weight. The weight of trauma.
The scanning for âwhen will it happen again?â. The raw guttural pain held deep in my gut that I never released. The beach ball I held under water for decades.
And as the spirit of the medicine doesâŠit opens the door. And out it came. I didnât think it would ever end. And when I was able to get a few breaths and thought Iâd gather myself up and go to the bathroomâŠIâd wave for help and no more than just trying to sit up or stand and the waves would rush over me again. The reason Iâm sharing this is the profound moment that still stands out for me here.
This time, the beautiful lady facilitating came to help me up. Weak from exhaustion and sheer emotionâŠmy knees just couldnât do it. When I tried to stand, more waves of emotion hit me and I just went to the ground. She waved another lady that was assisting over and there they sat. One on each side of me.
By the fire. On the ground. On a hill somewhere in Michigan.
I was witnessed.
For the first timeâŠI was SEEN. maybe they felt it, maybe they didnât. But Shelton was there with me. I was IN the moment and time of losing him. My child. My dreams. My future. My beautiful precious boy that looked so perfect on the outside. Taken from me. I shook, I cried, I wailed, I griped the ground. I didnât think it would ever end. The pain seemed never ending.
And yet they sat.
One to my right, steady, grounding, calm.
One to my left, rocking, swaying and moving energy herself to help me. Both women held such a deep safe space for me in that moment, saying I am grateful is too trivial.
They didnât try to make me feel better, they didnât try to fix it, they didnât SAY anything. They didnât have to. When I talked, they listened. The first time, having your pain witnessed, is something that stays with you. To be seen at a soul level, stays with you. Knowing someone else could sit in the fire with me and not shy away, not run, not avoid it to make themselves feel betterâŠhealed something deep inside me. It also changed everything for me in my marriage, but thatâs another post.
You cannot think your way out of what your body is holding. You cannot positive-mindset grief that lives in your nervous system. You cannot rush someone through the fire and call it healing. What actually heals is being seen. Being witnessed. Having someone sit beside you in the worst of it and not run.
And THAT is exactly the container I provide. I know it, because I felt it. And now, I get the amazing blessing in this life, to pay that forward. The fire doesnât scare me because Iâve lived in it. Emotions, pain, fear, cries, screamsâŠdonât cause me to help you feel better or ease it for you. But I will sit with you in that fire. I will hold space for you and I will hold space for your pain to be exactly as it is. I will help ground you when everything in you wants to run. And most of allâŠI will SEE you. All of you. I will be your witness, as those before me were for me.
If something in this is calling to you, whether it's The Sacred Return retreat or the deep relational work I do with couples, I'd love to have a conversation. What you're carrying doesn't have to stay locked in your body forever. There is a way through, and you don't have to go there alone. đ
(This butterfly was with me for hours during that journey đ)
