05/31/2026
My first journey with mushrooms cracked the door open. š
I released some emotions and had some physical releases I hadnāt expected. But that was it. I thought okayā¦I get it now. Iām ready.
The second time was a megadose and I went into all of the grief Iād been holding for decades.
My son. My bonus daughter. My dad.
DEEP GRIEF!! Physically held in my body. Iād done all the things. Even reached acceptance. But in my body, in my nervous systemā¦it was held.
Like a lead weight. The weight of trauma.
The scanning for āwhen will it happen again?ā. The raw guttural pain held deep in my gut that I never released. The beach ball I held under water for decades.
And as the spirit of the medicine doesā¦it opens the door. And out it came. I didnāt think it would ever end. And when I was able to get a few breaths and thought Iād gather myself up and go to the bathroomā¦Iād wave for help and no more than just trying to sit up or stand and the waves would rush over me again. The reason Iām sharing this is the profound moment that still stands out for me here.
This time, the beautiful lady facilitating came to help me up. Weak from exhaustion and sheer emotionā¦my knees just couldnāt do it. When I tried to stand, more waves of emotion hit me and I just went to the ground. She waved another lady that was assisting over and there they sat. One on each side of me.
By the fire. On the ground. On a hill somewhere in Michigan.
I was witnessed.
For the first timeā¦I was SEEN. maybe they felt it, maybe they didnāt. But Shelton was there with me. I was IN the moment and time of losing him. My child. My dreams. My future. My beautiful precious boy that looked so perfect on the outside. Taken from me. I shook, I cried, I wailed, I griped the ground. I didnāt think it would ever end. The pain seemed never ending.
And yet they sat.
One to my right, steady, grounding, calm.
One to my left, rocking, swaying and moving energy herself to help me. Both women held such a deep safe space for me in that moment, saying I am grateful is too trivial.
They didnāt try to make me feel better, they didnāt try to fix it, they didnāt SAY anything. They didnāt have to. When I talked, they listened. The first time, having your pain witnessed, is something that stays with you. To be seen at a soul level, stays with you. Knowing someone else could sit in the fire with me and not shy away, not run, not avoid it to make themselves feel betterā¦healed something deep inside me. It also changed everything for me in my marriage, but thatās another post.
You cannot think your way out of what your body is holding. You cannot positive-mindset grief that lives in your nervous system. You cannot rush someone through the fire and call it healing. What actually heals is being seen. Being witnessed. Having someone sit beside you in the worst of it and not run.
And THAT is exactly the container I provide. I know it, because I felt it. And now, I get the amazing blessing in this life, to pay that forward. The fire doesnāt scare me because Iāve lived in it. Emotions, pain, fear, cries, screamsā¦donāt cause me to help you feel better or ease it for you. But I will sit with you in that fire. I will hold space for you and I will hold space for your pain to be exactly as it is. I will help ground you when everything in you wants to run. And most of allā¦I will SEE you. All of you. I will be your witness, as those before me were for me.
If something in this is calling to you, whether it's The Sacred Return retreat or the deep relational work I do with couples, I'd love to have a conversation. What you're carrying doesn't have to stay locked in your body forever. There is a way through, and you don't have to go there alone. š
(This butterfly was with me for hours during that journey š)
