02/27/2025
It has been four years since my dad passed away. Based on my own experience, I thought I would share a few pieces of advice on an installment basis on how to support people who have experienced loss.
In a culture hyper-focused on optimization, we do a very poor job of dealing with grief. Even though death is the only guarantee in life, we usually 1) do not acknowledge its presence or 2) try to brush past it in order to avoid our own feelings of discomfort.
We have to do a better job lifting people up when they are suffering.
Experiencing the death of a loved one creates a massive burden on the griever. It changes your sense of identity. It alters your relationships. It throws off routines, traditions, and the way you live. Additionally, there is the work of dealing with the mechanics of the estate - communicating with friends and family, getting death certificates, making final arrangements for the body, putting a funeral together, retitling assets, court filings, tax returns, moving money, and dealing with how to handle personal belongings to name just a few items. You are given a tremendous responsibility at a time when it may be difficult to complete basic tasks like preparing food and showering.
There are two simple things you can do that go a long way in serving people where they are at whether you are serving them in a professional capacity or as a friend.
1) Do not say, "If there is anything you need, I am there for you." You end up putting the work back on the griever to think of something they need help with. You are adding to their responsibility. We also have a culture of not wanting to burden other people and the griever thinks they can go at it alone. Call it American individualism.
Instead, just show up and take action. Send a food delivery service gift card or better yet, bring some food. Hire someone to help clean the house or bring a group of friends to scrub the toilets and dust the baseboards. Go with them to the funeral home.
Find a way to lighten the load by showing up.
2) Like I mentioned, there are many practical things that need to get done when someone dies. When you are serving a person who has this on their plate, ask, "What kind of day is today?" On the right day, they might be motivated to get things knocked off the checklist. On the wrong day, the pain is unbearable. As professionals, we tend to be action-oriented: let's get this done! Sometimes, you have to slow your role by taking a posture of patience. Let the griever move at their pace rather than imposing your own. It can be such a relief when you give someone the opportunity to say, "Today is not a good day. Let's see if next week is better and we can reschedule then."
Hope you can take a few nuggets and apply them in your interactions with loved ones and clients!
