26/07/2022
"Oh come on, please find a way to take my money!” – A personal drama about trying to tip, in three acts.
I spent an hour in a charming, tiny cafe. It only had two tables, plus the one outside that they have to move aside each time a scooter passes along carrying fresh bread rolls from the bakery next door. But boy can they cook… like they’re angels who came down from heaven and brought their favorite food with them. No words can describe that apple pie bathed in foam of whipped cream… and the cappuccino! It’s Cloud Nine in my cup. Pure gastronomic delight.
Finally, I get my bill: a tiny, adorable thing that looks like it was hand-sewn on a cloth napkin. Relaxed and still in heaven, I ask: “Could you put the tip on the bill? I’d like to pay with a card.” The waiter beams at me, “Sure thing!”, brings a payment terminal, and… nothing happens. Then, nothing happens about a dozen times more; the terminal does not work. I sigh as I reach for my purse, and then turn beet red as I realise I barely have enough cash to pay the bill—but not leave a tip. I ask if there’s an ATM.
“It’s just around the corner, but it was gutted by a running bull last week,” – comes an embarrassed reply. “We go to the neighbouring village, but we can’t take you right now, I’m so sorry, the dough has risen, it’s time to bake the buns.”
I suddenly remember something and grab at the last straw.
“Wait, but you do have this sticker here, the one saying ‘Get the app and leave a tip’, with a faded Internet address…”
The waiter’s face turns into a mask of despair. I install the app which instantly freezes. Update, rinse, repeat, nope, frozen again. Finally, I get it to launch and enter an amount that covers both my endless rivers of coffee with apple pie shores and the tip. Error. Again. Transaction failed.
“You are not the first,” says my waiter. “How much are you short?”
“Not that much, half a cup of coffee,” I mumble.
“It’s okay, I’ll just strike the last cup off the bill. Why don’t you leave a review with that laptop of yours? Perhaps our owner would finally replace that tipping service.”