08/26/2024
Help Yourself!
I took my grandchildren to their teacher’s funeral. On a warm August morning I caught up with an old girlfriend, Marsha. We sat in my car while the kids were with their classmates inside. I learned that Marsha, who I hadn't seen since the beginning of the pandemic, was divorced.
"He called me a narcissist," Marsha said.
"I have one of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder," I said.
She processed the new information.
"People throw out you're a narcissist like saying you're an ass. Your diagnosis is easy. Google narcissistic personality disorder in the DSM-5 and read the list of 9 traits of narcissistic personality disorder on page 171. You only need five to prove your ex right.
I have number 9; people have told me I'm arrogant." I said.
A breeze blew through the car windows.
“I don’t do much Googling. I want a soulmate. I have a friend who found a soulmate after her divorce. I have found someone. I can't tell you who.
My ex texted me, “you okay?” Who divorces then texts “you OK?”
I’d take him back in a heart beat," Marsha said.
Before you dive into the soulmate pool, study adult attachment styles to break your maladaptive cycle. There are only four attachment styles. Secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful avoidant.
Studying this material for years I’ve never met a securely attach couple.
You are caught in the anxious avoidant trap, the negative cycle where he withdraws and you pursue. He avoids and you become anxious. He detaches and you cling. You fear abandonment and his fear is engulfment.
Engulfment is his fear of drowning in your attempts to connect emotionally.
The first step to healing and protecting yourself is be aware you have been in a maladaptive cycle. The second is boundaries, unfriend him. Your ex-husband doesn't miss you; he's bored using the bathroom at 4 AM. Boosting his ego, knowing you worship him despite discarding you.
By texting he is crumbing you for entertainment and to prove to others how wounded you are. Keeping you lingering and using your cringy clinging as his justification to leave the marriage.
I propose you are not a narcissist; he is. You have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. He is a fearful avoidant. You have been scapegoated and will be again without under standing of these concepts.
Crumbing is used by a person with fearful avoidant attachment style overlapping with narcissistic personality disorder. He forces you to linger, breaking no contact before the spark is cold. Destroying your ability to learn, heal and move on. Manipulating you as opposed to getting help. Narcissists don't seek help but they do prevent others from leaving the cycle. Understanding attachment theory after understanding personality disorders like NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, then learning about being scapegoated.
You are the scapegoat in this scenario. Damage has been done. Belittling behavior turned you into the scapegoat in your relationship, you became the one to blame, guilt and shame. His lack of communication increased your emotional pleas reinforcing his disconnection.
These are new terms, I should write you a letter," I said.
"I don't read, I can't settle down, I'm too hyper, looking for a sign,"
Marsha said.
“My letter would talk about how a narcissistically disordered personality use scapegoating and secondly how the attachment style of the fearful avoidant person weaponizes detachment to dysregulate you.
They crank and you cycle. Prolonging the disconnected relationship beyond a point of revival,”
We watched the children spill out of the funeral home like recess. Except for the deceased’s older daughter and younger son. The male students sprinting through the parked cars. Circling back and approaching their classmate slowly, the young man had grieved long enough. He ran between the cars with his pack of buds leaving the older girl alone to walk to the es**rt car behind the hearse.
Forbidden to be part of the procession her father gazed above the parking lot, seated on one of the display head stones. His hearing had become internalized like he was shocky.
The funeral director holding the car door, looking at his watch. He had an open casket at 2. Cremations will be the end of this business he thought.
“I hope I didn’t screw up my kids.” Marsha said. Failing to latch the door fully she smiled in the passenger’s window and didn’t say good bye.
“Dodged a bullet,” I whispered to an empty car.
“Why was she here,” my Grand son said? Standing behind my left ear. “She doesn’t want your stupid letter Grampy.”
