14/06/2026
A brilliantly cheeky post about a dire issue farmers and beekeepers are facing…
Gippsland Beekeeper Warns Varroa Mite Could Wipe Out Pollination, Forcing Farmers To Manually Jerk Off Crops By Hand
As the invasive varroa mite continues its relentless rampage through Gippsland hives, veteran apiarist Barry “Sting” Thompson has issued a dire warning that locals may soon be forced to pollinate their own orchards the old fashioned way. That means a paintbrush, a steady hand, and a quiet sense of shame.
“These little bastards are sucking the life out of the bees faster than a Traralgon tradie on pension day,” Thompson told Gippsnews while smoking a rollie next to a stack of empty supers. “I have lost three hives this month alone. Next thing you know we will be out there at dawn with little paintbrushes tickling almond blossoms like some sort of floral OnlyFans. Hand pollinating for dollars. Bring your own lunch.”
The veteran beekeeper, who has been keeping bees in South Gippsland for 38 years, says the mites arrived in Yarram like an unwanted in law. Uninvited, hard to get rid of, and already asking for money.
“I have tried the treatments, the strips, the organic fairy dust the hippies from the hills swear by. Nothing,” he said. “It is like trying to stop a B double with a ‘Slow Down’ sign. Pretty soon the only buzzing sound round here will be the missus telling me to get off the couch.”
Local dairy farmer and part time almond hopeful Gary “Blue” McKinnon from near Sale was equally grim. “Between the drought, the milk price, the power bills, and now this, I am thinking of just selling up and becoming a beekeeper. At least the mites are honest about ruining your life,” he said while kicking a fence post that did not deserve it.
“Bees used to show up, do the business, and p**s off. Now I have got to explain to the bank manager why my yield is down 70 percent and I am considering hiring backpackers with Q tips. It is not dignified.”
Agriculture Victoria confirmed detections in the Yarram area and across Gippsland. They urged beekeepers to stay vigilant while quietly admitting the eradication ship sailed some time ago. One anonymous departmental source described the situation as “transitioning to management,” which locals have translated as “you are on your own, mate.”
Meanwhile, innovative solutions are already emerging from the region’s legendary shed based think tanks. Retired mechanic and weekend orchardist Darren “Dazza” Wilkins has prototyped what he calls the “Gippsland Pollination Wand.” It is essentially a battery powered vibrating toothbrush attached to a broom handle.“Early results are promising,” he claimed. “Though the wife reckons it is giving the trees ideas.”
At the Yarram pub, punters have started a new sweepstake: how many weeks until the first farmer is caught on CCTV doing midnight blossom duty in his ugg boots and high vis. Current odds favourite is “under three weeks, with an esky and a headtorch.”
Thompson remains philosophical as he watches another hive collapse. “We have survived bushfires, floods, and that time the council tried to ban burnoffs. We will get through this too. Might just have to get a bit more hands on.” He paused, took a long drag, and added: “Just do not tell the tourists. They still think Gippsland is all rolling green hills and happy little bees. Poor bastards.”
Classic Gippsland. Where even the insects are unionised against you.
