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04/12/2023

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06/02/2022

Couples usually break up for a reason and more often than not those reasons are due to a non negotiable boundary being violated . For some it is cheating, for others it is money, and for most it is falling out of love/lust. In a perfect world both parties would end things, there would be an understanding that it is for the best, and life goes on. However, we are humans and humans are filled with emotions. 

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Reconnecting and rekindling: What does your local matchmaker think? Couples usually break up for a reason and more often than not those reasons are due to a non negotiable boundary being violated . For some it is cheating, for others it is money, and for most it is falling out of love/lust. In a per...

04/18/2022

"Let’s talk about the worst way possible to begin an argument that practically guarantees that it will not end well: the harsh start-up. Research has shown what happens when you come out of the gate with hostility, blame, high intensity, or critical sarcasm:⁠
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Statistics tell the story: 96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the interaction (John Gottman, 2014).⁠
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Let’s say you find your partner sitting on the couch, feet propped up with muddy shoes on. You exclaim: 'WOW! SERIOUSLY?! MUD ON THE COUCH! GREAT! HEY GENIUS, HOW BOUT YOU TRY AND THINK?!'
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Your partner might realize their mistake but they’re so distracted by the insults and your hostility that they get frustrated and rather than condeeding your point, they get defensive and yell right back. 'WOW, WELCOME HOME, ITS SURE GREAT TO SEE YOU IN SUCH A GREAT MOOD (sarcasm).'

You might be thinking at this point: 'I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m right that the mud shouldn’t be on the couch. They’re the problematic one. I’m right!'
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However, your way of asserting "rightness” is hurting the trust in your relationship. They can’t hear the complaint underneath the intensity and criticism. Data has shown that if you want them to listen to you (which is the goal) that you’re better off with a gentle start-up. State what you are experiencing and state what you need: 'I see mud on your shoes, I’m worried it will get on the couch. We’ve talked about not wearing shoes on the couch. Will you take off your shoes and clean any mud up on the couch?'
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"The goal isn’t just to be right. The goal is to achieve your goals while maintaining and building trust/closeness. ⁠This is achieved not in the 'what' of the argument but in the 'how.'"

Words and graphic by Matthias J Barker Counseling

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04/12/2022

The small, everyday moments between you and your partner can have a big impact on your relationship over time. When you turn toward your partner's bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account.
And when you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal. Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is
trouble, and a negative balance is the real danger zone.

Finding everyday ways to fill your emotional bank account
can help ensure that inevitable hurdles (disagreements, conflict, etc.) don't cause your relationship to dip into the
red. You will be able to weather the difficult times better when you have "savings" of goodwill to draw from.

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