12/12/2025
🏡✨ When these three showed up to apply for a mortgage… I almost shut my laptop.
From left to right:
🅚🅘🅟
Shows up with every pay stub since 1994… all printed, hole-punched, and arranged by emotional significance. Credit score? 802. Debt-to-income? 12%. Only problem? He refuses to e-sign anything because “the government can’t have my click-trail.”
Approved… reluctantly.
🅝🅐🅟🅞🅛🅔🅞🅝
Said he was “super responsible with money,” then his bank statements showed 14 Klarna payments, 6 AfterPay loans, and a weekly $8 charge labeled “Llama Facts Premium.”
DTI?
Bro, his DTI has a DTI.
We will revisit in 6–8 months or after he stops financing snacks.
🅤🅝🅒🅛🅔 🅡🅘🅒🅞
Shows up wearing a denim vest talking about how he’s “built different.” He has zero W-2s, zero pay stubs, but seven multi-level marketing 1099s… none of which have made $1 of profit.
Assets? “It’s all tied up in product inventory.”
Definitely not approved, but he said he’ll circle back after he recruits two more people.
Call me before you apply — I’ll make sure your mortgage journey doesn’t look like this family portrait of financial chaos.